I’m Still Here!

I’ll be sober four weeks this Monday and I’m doing fine.  The past month has really flown by.  I’ve only had a few twitchy moments but nothing terribly nerve wracking.

One thing I’ve recently discovered is the extent blackouts blotted out so much of my everyday living. Of course, I knew I was having blackouts but I kind of ignored them or found ways to work around them.

Well, I should say I was sometimes able to reconstruct bits and pieces if it was a fragmentary blackout. Fragmentary blackouts occurred at least four or five nights a week. Lost conversations were particularly vexing but forgotten actions could sometimes be pieced together by following the crumb trail. If I woke up and had a fuzzy recollection of buying something on-line, I’d verify by checking my email for a purchase confirmation. That was an easy fix.

But, I was never able to put the pieces of an en bloc blackout (total erasure of an entire chunk of time) back together again. There was no crumb trail. I’d wake up in the morning and the last thing I could remember was being somewhere else (a party, a bar, even my family room) with zero recollection of how I ended up in bed. I couldn’t tell you how we parted company (good terms or bad), what time we left, the route my husband took to drive home, if I went straight to bed or maybe had another few drinks before heading to bed, I obviously put on my nightgown (and it wasn’t even inside out or backwards) but I do not remember one bit of it.

This past week I have been stumbling upon things I did that I have no recollection of.  I found a hidden crumpled up mini box of Bota wine in my desk that I do remember buying, drinking or hiding but that really wasn’t a real surprise.

What did surprise me last week was discovering a half full fifth of vodka in the bottom of my desk credenza. I quit drinking vodka almost two years ago to reduce my alcohol consumption. That has been there two years…at least I think so. Again, I don’t remember buying or drinking. But, I quit drinking vodka so I wouldn’t drink first thing in the morning on weekends. I used to get up and start Saturday and Sunday with vodka mixed with fresh squeezed grapefruit juice (healthy me!) But I thought better of that morning drinking habit, so I quit vodka, started sleeping in until 2 or 3 PM and started my day with wine (oh the mind games and ridiculous rationalizations!)

But what absolutely amazed / floored me was the discovery of my very favorite navy blue cashmere sweater which had been missing in action for over a year. I loved this sweater. It is a soft old sweater I wore with jeans and I could not figure out where in the world in went. It was suddenly just gone! I searched high and low looking in every conceivable place I thought it could be. Nowhere. Finally, I decided I must have left it behind in a hotel we may have stayed at while vacationing and it was gone forever.  Yesterday I was rooting through my swim suit drawer trying to find a suit that might possibly still fit to take to Florida next week. Guess what I found!!!! My sweater! When and most particularly WHY I put my sweater in a swimsuit drawer I cannot answer. I never thought to look there and haven’t put on a swim suit in over two years. What was going through my alcohol sodden brain that made me think putting my sweater in a swim suit drawer somehow made sense or was a good idea will escape me forever.

We plan to sell our home within the next year or so and move to a condo. I wonder what else I’ve squirreled away over the years that will be discovered as we begin to sort out and pack up. We’ve been here over 20 years…I can only imagine.