I’m starting to really not like Xmas...

Wish I was home reading a book by the fire. Arghhhh. Shit.

I’m Still Here!

I’ll be sober four weeks this Monday and I’m doing fine.  The past month has really flown by.  I’ve only had a few twitchy moments but nothing terribly nerve wracking.

One thing I’ve recently discovered is the extent blackouts blotted out so much of my everyday living. Of course, I knew I was having blackouts but I kind of ignored them or found ways to work around them.

Well, I should say I was sometimes able to reconstruct bits and pieces if it was a fragmentary blackout. Fragmentary blackouts occurred at least four or five nights a week. Lost conversations were particularly vexing but forgotten actions could sometimes be pieced together by following the crumb trail. If I woke up and had a fuzzy recollection of buying something on-line, I’d verify by checking my email for a purchase confirmation. That was an easy fix.

But, I was never able to put the pieces of an en bloc blackout (total erasure of an entire chunk of time) back together again. There was no crumb trail. I’d wake up in the morning and the last thing I could remember was being somewhere else (a party, a bar, even my family room) with zero recollection of how I ended up in bed. I couldn’t tell you how we parted company (good terms or bad), what time we left, the route my husband took to drive home, if I went straight to bed or maybe had another few drinks before heading to bed, I obviously put on my nightgown (and it wasn’t even inside out or backwards) but I do not remember one bit of it.

This past week I have been stumbling upon things I did that I have no recollection of.  I found a hidden crumpled up mini box of Bota wine in my desk that I do remember buying, drinking or hiding but that really wasn’t a real surprise.

What did surprise me last week was discovering a half full fifth of vodka in the bottom of my desk credenza. I quit drinking vodka almost two years ago to reduce my alcohol consumption. That has been there two years…at least I think so. Again, I don’t remember buying or drinking. But, I quit drinking vodka so I wouldn’t drink first thing in the morning on weekends. I used to get up and start Saturday and Sunday with vodka mixed with fresh squeezed grapefruit juice (healthy me!) But I thought better of that morning drinking habit, so I quit vodka, started sleeping in until 2 or 3 PM and started my day with wine (oh the mind games and ridiculous rationalizations!)

But what absolutely amazed / floored me was the discovery of my very favorite navy blue cashmere sweater which had been missing in action for over a year. I loved this sweater. It is a soft old sweater I wore with jeans and I could not figure out where in the world in went. It was suddenly just gone! I searched high and low looking in every conceivable place I thought it could be. Nowhere. Finally, I decided I must have left it behind in a hotel we may have stayed at while vacationing and it was gone forever.  Yesterday I was rooting through my swim suit drawer trying to find a suit that might possibly still fit to take to Florida next week. Guess what I found!!!! My sweater! When and most particularly WHY I put my sweater in a swimsuit drawer I cannot answer. I never thought to look there and haven’t put on a swim suit in over two years. What was going through my alcohol sodden brain that made me think putting my sweater in a swim suit drawer somehow made sense or was a good idea will escape me forever.

We plan to sell our home within the next year or so and move to a condo. I wonder what else I’ve squirreled away over the years that will be discovered as we begin to sort out and pack up. We’ve been here over 20 years…I can only imagine.

Fireplace or Formica?

Yesterday I had my first nagging craving. I’ve had a few very brief thoughts about drinking but nothing that lasted more than a minute or two and nothing I couldn’t quickly dismiss. But yesterday was a bit different.

I had the day off with a doctor appointment scheduled at noon and an appointment for my hair at 4PM. Both appointments were in town and I had some free time to grab some lunch between.  Argh. One of my favorite pub restaurants is in town. It is a cozy, warm place with a fireplace, great salads and sandwiches and all decorated for Christmas.  There was absolutely no way I could even consider going there. I have spent far too many hours there with friends, family and alone eating, relaxing and, of course DRINKING!  So poor me. I ended up eating lunch at a Subway at a yellow formica booth.

I know. My mind was equating warm and cozy with drinks and drab yellow formica with AF. And I felt sorry for myself. Blah! I was over it all by the time I reached the hair salon but still, it was an uncomfortable hour or so.

Starting to Dread the Holidays

I am becoming enormously apprehensive about our upcoming holiday plans. We’ve had these plans for three months but honestly I do not know if I can do it.

Our plan is to travel to North Carolina to visit my stepson, his fiance and  their four year old twins for three days. Will stay at a nearby hotel and spend Xmas Eve and Christmas there then continue south to Florida. There we will stay with my 86 year old mom for four days. From there we head up the Gulf coast and visit some friends for two days. And from there we head to Atlanta to visit/stay with my stepdaughter, her husband and seven month old baby for three days before heading home.

First of all, I hate staying at anyone’s house. Period. Always have. Even my mom’s. The stepkids are not big drinkers but they smoke marijuana day and night. My mom is a drinker. Not excessively at her age anymore but she likes her white wine.  All of this sounds so stressful. Just far too much visiting than I feel I am up for. Geez! Even if I was drinking I would not want to be 24/7 constantly around people for so many days. I have no idea why I ever agreed to this trip in the first place. The more I think about it the more I dread this.I have got to figure something out here. Not sure what but this is not going to work.

Glorious Sleep!

Yeah! I slept for 7 hours last night! This is a big deal for me because a few months ago when I tried to quit, I lasted four days. Failing to sleep for three days, I threw in the towel. Just decided it was all BS because I couldn’t live through another night of no sleep. Going to bed felt like I was climbing into a torture chamber. Of course, it was just an excuse. Certainly, I would have eventually fallen asleep!  But, this time I knew it was coming and was prepared to stick it through. 

Sleep! Where is Glorious Sleep?

The first two nights falling in bed sober versus passing out in bed I slept a total of three hours. Racing thoughts prevented me from sleeping at all the first night. The second night I managed to sleep for about three hours but it was very restless sleep. On day three I finally fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion until I awoke at about 3 AM. Oh no! Not this again.

I managed to calm myself by recognizing that even if I was not able to sleep much I would not be hung over in the morning. Absolutely nothing worse than waking up at three in the morning and knowing you are going to be hung over in the morning and have to go to work. That always ratcheted up my anxiety level to the point falling back asleep was impossible and guaranteed I would feel totally crappy the next day.

I am now sleeping soundly for about five hours but still waking between 3 and 4 AM. But I am not letting it rattle me. I go to bed prepared. I have my kindle on my bed stand and when I wake up I read. I refuse to just lay there and start with the racing thoughts. No way I could do that if I was drinking. Right now I am reading Clare Pooley’s Sober Diaries. Eventually I know a normal sleep pattern will return but until then, I can handle this.

Lurking Too Long...Have Finally Arrived

I am 62 years old and have been drinking since I was 17. My last daily drinking ritual -- a bottle and a half of wine --- was November 26th, 8 days ago. I didn’t always drink like this… by god if I had no doubt I would have been dead some time ago. It started gradually from one or two beers a day (yes, daily drinking since age 20) and escalated over the years to where I sit now. That is a hell of a lot of booze! I have tried to quit many times over the years but have never been able to make it past 60 days other than throughout two pregnancies.

That 60 day stint occurred last year and it was then that I discovered the sober blogosphere. I was so serious about staying sober. I read every single blog I could find.  I found Belle and subscribed to her blog and daily messages. I read Mrs. D. is Going Without, Jason Vale’s Kick the Drink; Caroline Knapp’s Drinking A Love Story; Sarah Hepola’s Blackout; and many more I cannot recall at the moment.

But the one thing I did not do and should have done was create my own blog so I could join the conversation. I so very much need to connect with other people who can relate, share their own experiences and provide support.  Last time I tried to quit, I simply stayed in my own head mulling it all about which was a very bad idea as my head is no place anyone would want to loiter. Ah! Other than the Wine Witch, of course, and no doubt she was having so much fun she thought she was on holiday!

But I am here now and I fully intend to make this happen. And after 45 years of drinking, moderation is no longer in my vocabulary. I think I’ve tried that quite long enough and the results are in.